I signed five years of my life away to the U.S. Army. I needed to do it though. I was crashing and burning my life into the gutter. I had shit jobs, no friends worth a damn, and the month I signed up I was living with the cat lady of Bullhead City. I could hardly keep myself clean, and I don't mean showering. Fuck. That was five and a half years ago. My first job in the Army was acceptably dull and unexciting. I had zero interest in what I was doing and was the safest you can get in the Armed Forces and still be in Iraq. I switched jobs almost two years ago. This job is supposed to be the best thing to happen to anyone who earns the job and title of Explosive Ordnance Disposal Technician (EOD Tech.) Here I am. In Iraq for the second round. A second year away from the country I love. I get paid to blow shit up or "defuse" things that blow up. In the last four months of occassionally blowing shit up I've realized that as long as I keep everyone near me alive and healthy I don't give a fuck about anything else in this job besides the people. I need whiskey and beer. I crave to get drunk and meet people. I want to have all the different mediums of expression that I desire to play with at my disposal. Blowing shit up and playing Mr. Save-the-Day means jack and shit to me. The moments from the first flash of light as the shockwave travels down the initiation tube until the exact point in time when a thunderous blast wave bustles around my entire body is the best part of my day. That's only half-satisfying... settling for masturbation when you know you could be fucking. I have seven months of doing this in Iraq and then four more in America until I can leave the Army. I'm filled with terror over the thought of leaving. This is the only success I've known, and I hate it. What could I possibly amount to as a civilian?